Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.