Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

The cake is mightier than the sword.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.