[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
You Might Also Like
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.