Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

weird email i got today

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star