Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!