Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

no such thing as a dumb question

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

So we got a goldfish…

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.