Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.