Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I have a type: disappointing
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.