Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
You Might Also Like
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: