Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Good morning ☺️

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.