Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”