Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?