Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…