Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

me: my friends:

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.