Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”