Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
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90Me: Nailed it.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home