Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.