Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position