Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

My kitchen overserved me.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

“you look easy to draw”

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

!!!!!!!!!!!

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?