Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.