Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

The government even made aliens boring

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.