Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

in 3 months

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.