Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

those birds must be on payroll

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.