coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.