Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Uh oh…
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!