Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Rooting for the overdog

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet