Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I didn’t come here to be called names

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.