[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Need this in my life lol
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.