[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Current mood: Potato
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
You know I’m something of a chef myself
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?