@TheHyyyype

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

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@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

@ashlar36

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

@Jamberee13

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

@AmoNickk

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!