Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!