commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
