commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”