commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.