Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Gas station lines at 2 am:

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.