Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)