[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
