[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
