Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character