Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Miscakes

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.