Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.