Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”