Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks