Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

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(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.


What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?


She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.


I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.


“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages


Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand


This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.


Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?


And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?


Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!