Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?