@Lisabug74

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!