Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

THIS HEADLINE

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.