commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The prophecy is fulfilled
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me