Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

yes… yes…

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.