Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
