Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Tremendous stuff
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv