Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
