Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!