Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down