Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Me when someone tries to get to know me

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

that colleague who touches your screen

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.