*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
How is tinder still free?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over