*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
This makes total sense…