@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@fro_vo

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

@Home_Halfway

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@pilau

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

@Phreemann

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

@figgled

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over