@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

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@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@spermdonorjoe

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@TrophyWifeDayna

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

@NJPsychDoc

My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia