*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]


How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this


When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”


if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones


I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.


My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia