Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.