Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

they finally got him. they got macavity

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?