Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Don’t touch that.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

A game married people play.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?