commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years