Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!