Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

There’s no “u” in narcissist

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?