@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

@gibbet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

@MomOnFire

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

@MizzTangles

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

@truegritrumble

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

@prufrockluvsong

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer