Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
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Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
God: *creates dogs*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!