@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

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@zachreinert03

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

@McNevich

Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@dad_chips

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@MarfSalvador

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!