[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.