[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”


Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.


It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.


There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.


Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids


Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?


Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.


Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.


Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.


Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron