@EndhooS

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

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@shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@simoncholland

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

@luvleelyd

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

@kcmoore51

Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids

@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

@good_one_rick

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

@DaddyJew

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

@TheDairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron