[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Investing in beetcoin
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”