Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.