[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.