[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
You Might Also Like
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
