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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.