[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
