[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf