[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
You Might Also Like
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
No. He’s not coming out to play
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs